I’m baaack…starting over

*stumbles in, waving dust and cobwebs out of the way*

Dear World,
So it’s been ages since I’ve written because it’s also been ages since I’ve done anything. In my last entry I spoke about a hip problem. It finally improved and then I got hit with the flu. I’m talking about the real flu, influenza, plague…I seem to be prone to the flu because I had it last year and the year before! When I get it, it hits my joints without mercy. And, it takes me forever to get over it. It took more than a month until I felt normal again.

Then I was lazy. Then my mum visited so I really had no time to go to the gym and my eating suffered, in that I ate a lot of junk food.

These are not excuses, they’re reasons. This ‘no excuses’ thing kind of bothers me. I mean, i get the sentiment behind it, but sometimes you really do have excuses (reasons). The flu was a really good excuse not to go to the gym. Spending time with my mum, whom i haven’t seen in 2 years and won’t see for another 2 years, is a good excuse not to go to the gym. The rest of it is on me. My self-motivation suffered and there was an element of laziness in there too. Also, there is no excuse for all the junk food I ate, i just wanted to do that. So yes, sometimes tehre are good excuses, but you should have some accountability too.

This Monday (it’s now Thursday), I cut the junk and started eating healthy foods again. I haven’t been back to the gym yet, but I’ve done some exercise at home. I’ve done my trusty 8 min tae bo video once or twice a day (i love this video. it’s an old favourite. it’s not some crazy intense workout, but it’s enough to get my heart going and bring up my energy. Also it does help tone the muscles a bit), and last night  I did this video:

 

I had wanted to go to the gym for a spinning class and to lift a bit, but in the end I couldn’t (yes for valid reasons!), so I decided to the video above. I love battling ropes, but don’t have any at home and this was a good substiute. You don’t get quite the same resistance as you do with the heavy ropes, but man this workout actually kicked my ass. I’ll definitely do it again when i’m jonesin for some ropes action. And I think it’s creative, showing that you really can get fit if you don’t have a gym membership. I like this guy’s attitude as well. I don’t know about the claim of losing 20 pounds in 30 days (though that could be legit if you’re doing this several times a week and eating well, who knows?) but I really enjoyed the workout and ended up doing about 100 jumping jacks!

As I mentioned, I won’t see my mum again for 2 years. So, I have given myself two years to completely transform. By the time I see her again, I want to have a totally different body. Of course it would be nice if it happened in less than 2 years, but I know that these things take time especially when you’re talking about total transformation. I think 2 years is a reasonable goal and if i meet my goal before that then all the better!

When I started this blog I had decided not to talk too much about my personal life, and focus only on my fitness journey. But, things in our personal life do affect our physical and mental well-being, of course, so I need to talk a little bit about it.

I don’t want to talk too in-depth, but at the end of 2015 I went through a break up. It was terribly difficult for me and my heart was utterly broken. I was madly in love with this guy (thought he was with me too), and in the end he betrayed me and broke my heart. Since then I’ve been struggling to move in. For the first time in my life I needed to see a therapist to help me deal with it. She did help a little, but in the end was too expensive and I couldn’t continue.

When i started this body transformation journey, I was motivated in theory, but emotionally I was still battling getting over this break up. Whether it affected my motivation or not, I can’t really say. But having this ‘break’ from working out for the past 2 months, has maybe let me heal a bit. Though, again i don’t know if they’re related, but whatever.

The thing is I’ve been saying for a while now that I really want to move on but can’t seem to. I’ve still been crying, especially when I have my period, and mourning the loss of this relationship even though he was a bastard.

I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on things, trying to change. I’ve been in a funk way too long. i’ve started on my health quest again and i’m more determined than ever. and i’m trying to switch in my brain how i think and feel about the break up. Instead of thinking/saying we broke up and it was terriblle and difficult, i need to be saying we broke up and that was a good thing. good riddance to him.

I need to stop feeling victimised and really acknowledge that at the end of the day he was not a good person, and didn’t respect me at all and i didn’t respect myeslf by putting up with the bullshit

i’m still fucking hurt but i need to get over it. i’m tired of being upset and want to change this frame of thinking about it. yes we broke up, it sucked, i had my heart ripped out, but he was a dick and i deserve better. we weren’t right for each other in the end

This is stuff i’ve known intellectually for a while, but it’s been hell trying to get my heart to catch up with that. I’m trying my best now. I really don’t want to be sad anymore and for a while there may still be some hard days, but i’m done. i need to get myself out of the dark. I feel like i used to have such a light inside me and it’s gone dim but this is only because I’ve let it; he’s responsible for that only to an extent;  the rest is on me. I’ve gotten through the worst bit and now i have a choice as to how i handle it. I can keep feeling sorry for myself or move the fuck on.I look back on our relationship and I think ‘what the hell was I thinking? Why did I ever tolerate that shit??”

Anyway, time to move on. Stop being the victim and become the bad-ass bitch I want to be. Bad-ass bitches do not suffer fools, damn it! So onward and upward!

 

Love,
Bad-ass Bitch.

okay here we (I) go

So, I’ve been at varying levels of fitness in my life. In my teens, I was skinny and worked out so I could build leg muscles. In my late teens/early twenties, I had a steady diet of pizza, egg and cheese bagels, fast food, beer, booze and cigarettes. And since nothing was happening to my weight (as in, I didn’t gain any) I didn’t do anything about it.

When I was 25 I had surgery for endometriosis. Recovery consisted of pizza and ice cream. I gained some weight. After I’d recovered I did weight watchers, lost some weight and started swimming regularly and doing yoga. I was in good shape.

Then, my troubles began. I was started on ‘hormone’ therapy (hormone hell) and thus began a life of rapid weight gain, and yo yo dieting. My body has never been the same.

I’m now off of the hormone drugs that turned me into a raging, weeping, fat monster, and only take meds for my thyroid (hypothyroidism).

I have had several surgeries and things like that start to take their toll.

Three years ago, I’d reached another point where I couldn’t stand my weight any longer so I did something about it. I joined myfitnesspal.com and really stuck to healthy eating and busted my arse with exercise. I lost about 10kg and i felt great. I liked the way i looked. My exercise consisted of a combination of weights and cardio.

My confidence got a boost and then I met a man. A really, hot, younger man who loved my body the way it was and would say things like ‘don’t lose weight’ and tell me I was perfect. He worshipped my body. I had never had that before (I won’t go into the issues us women face with body issues, that would take another entry), so it was great. Anyway, I fell in love with that guy and we had a very intense relationship. I started to gain weight because he loved me the way i was, or even if i was heavier, and i honestly didn’t have as much time (no, i didn’t make the time) for the gym because we were having sex all the time and just being together. I also let his unhealthy eating habits influence mine so there was more junk food than before.

So fast forward, we broke up, got back together again after 6 months and then broke up again a year later. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe what I felt. Even though he showed his true colours and turned out to be a bastard arsehole, i had still fallen in love with that bastard arsehole and it hurt like fucking hell. I gave almost 3 years of my life to that relationship and it really sucked the energy out of me.

So now here I am. I’m single, almost 40, upset with the state of my body and health and wanting to do something about it. I recently joined myfitnesspal again and got into it, lost a few kg and was starting to feel better then I saw a video of me and was horrified at how fat and unhealthy I looked! I also just had a bout of flu and descended into unhealthy eating again and was too weak to exercise so some flab that I lost is coming back.

I’ve loved lifting weights (machines, and recently some free weights at home) for years and I’ve always had an interest lurking in the background to get into serious body building. I don’t mean like competition body building, but for myself. I want to be strong!  I love that feeling when my muscles are getting stronger and I want to start lifting heavy weights.

Right now I feel so flabby and physically weak. Emotionally weak too. I want to finally be proud of my body, not just okay with it. I want to appear to myself, and the outside world, as a physically strong woman. This break up (and he) has left me feeling so weak. I think that if I can do this, make a new me, I can move on from this nonsense and leave the damaged person behind. Also,  I want to feel like I could kick someone’s arse if i wanted to (i wouldn’t do that, but just want to feel like i’d be strong enough). There are other reasons for that which i’ll get into another time.

The truth is, I have handled a lot of shit in my life and I give myself credit for having the strength to get through it, but for so long, and at so many times, I’ve felt weak, especially in my body. Dealing with chronic illness and surgeries and medication side effects has left me feeling sick and weak inside.  Yes, there have been times when I have been fit and stronger. But, why didn’t I stick to it? well, i don’t know. I’m a classic emotional eater, the hormones probably didn’t help, blah blah. whatever.

So, i’ve decided i’m going to take it up. I’m currently looking for a good body building programme and tomorrow I’m meeting with a personal trainer.

My goals are: get strong, fit, lose fat, strengthen joints, be healthy! I want to be fit and lean. I have suffered so much physically and as I near 40 i’m getting scared of being a sick and weak older woman (I don’t mean 40 is old but it’s closer to middle age!). I don’t want to be a weak and sick person anymore. I want to be one of those old ladies that impresses everyone with her physical fitness and strength. I’ve lost a lot of time in my ‘youth’  and need to have the energy and health to make up for things.

Many times I have seen physically strong and fit women and thought: I wish I was like her. well now, I will be her and be the one that others want to be. If there are any girls or women out there who will see me and think ‘i want to be like that’  I want them to know that they can. I am determined to show myself and others that you can become your ideal.

Also I’ve noticed that when I eat well and exercise a lot the pain from my endometriosis is reduced, so if that’s not motivation, I don’t know what the hell is! 🙂  There is no cure for endometriosis, and it’s  a progressive disease. I will need another surgery soon-ish and will always have to be dealing with this disease that sucks my mental, emotional and physical energy. I want to fight against that. I want to take control of my body (because I can’t control the endo) and be strong to deal with whatever this body I’m living in throws at me.

I’ve decided to start this blog as a record of my ‘journey’. I don’t know if anyone will read it; maybe it’ll just be floating about in the ether and never get noticed by anyone, but I wanted to document my ‘transformation’  here. And if  I get readers, it’ll be a bonus to help motivate me to keep going.

So, here’s to a new me and anyone else out there changing their lives!

Love,

Bad-ass Bitch