getting bigger before getting smaller

So, last night I was flexing in the mirror (as you do) and the light was just right that I could see the definition in my arms. Since I’m not lean yet, I like to think of it as a preview of what’s to come;  I like it!

I’ll admit I’ve been feeling frustrated that I don’t seem to be burning much fat when in the past I’ve had better (faster) results by eating less, weight machines and cardio. I have lost fat quite well like that and in comparison rather quickly. I know that body transformation takes time. I’m grounded enough to know that I shoudln’t expect results overnight, and that these things take time. Of course I’m impatient and I want my new body NOW, but I know that’s not realistic. This can take months, or years and this is what I’m expecting. The only thing is, I’m results driven. If i see myself getting smaller I work harder. logically it should be the opposite, but it’s not. I need to see results to keep going. The trick is, convincing myself that this time it’s different because I’m doing something different. I have used weights and weight machines in the past but I haven’t lifted heavy weight like this before. So, the results will be different and how long (or how quickly) it takes to achieve them will also be different.

Yesterday I found this article:   and it was good timing. I recalled some articles I read before I started doing this about how it’s common to get bigger first. So I just need to remember this.

Week 2, day 3 

Squat 35kg

Bench press 25kg

Barbell row 34.5kg

ropes 6 ‘sets’, 20-30 seconds each

hip abductor 70kg 3×10

hip adductor 75kg 3×10

Nutrition wasn’t the best this weekend. I had beer, and yesterday I feel like i ate my body weight in cake. Oh well. Back on track this week. Except today, I left my lunch on the counter at home! I’m so annoyed, i had it all prepared the forgot it. Finding something healthy to eat out is not going to be that easy but I’ll try!

Last week I got my period. Amazingly, it was tolerable. The first morning my cramps felt pretty bad and on the way to work I was regretting leaving the house. But after a while the pills kicked in and it was actually smooth sailing for the rest of  the period. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t fun. I still felt bloated, upset stomach (this is usual), tired as hell, hungry as hell, emotional as hell, my back hurt but the pain wasn’t excruciating. What a relief this was after the past 2 months. The past 2 were so bad I wanted to go to the hospital (i just didn’t because both times I was out of town in a foreign country and didn’t want to deal with it). This is what i was hoping for from the exercise and change in diet. I don’t know if it’s due that or not (in the past I’ve had a period that was inexplicably easy), so it will take a few more cycles to see. I hope I hope I hope that it will stay like this. Okay it doesn’t erase the fact that my endometriosis is progressing, so I will still need to find a surgeon but if it alleviates symptoms then woo hoo! I was able to function and even work out, so it was good 🙂  I would prefer I didn’t feel so tired and to not have the raging hormones, but I’ll take what I can get.

Back to the gym today to start week 3!

Bad-ass bitch


warm up, yeah!

Last night after I’d had dinner and an evening snack I still felt hungry. I said to myself ‘why am I so freakin’ tired and hungry?’. Then i had a flash of deja vu. This is exactly what I said a month ago. So, I quickly checked the calendar. Joy of joys I’m due to get my period. That would explain the insatiable hunger and why my patience was at zero yesterday. So here we are again. We’ll see if 2 cycles of exercise and healthy diet help. I really hope so. the last 2 periods were horrendous; the pain unbearable. At least this time I’ll be at home instead of a foreign country as I was for the last 2, so if it gets really bad and I need the hospital I’ll know where to go. fingers crossed it doesn’t come to that.

The impending assault on my reproductive system means I’m super tired and  explains why my lower back felt stiff last night. I noticed it was more sensitive during my squats today so tonight I’d better do some gentle stretching.

Despite feeling tired, I was able to do my workout and add the recommended weight (a little more in the case of the overhead press because again the plates at the gym didn’t add up to the suggested weight).

Week 2, Day 2
(all exercises 5×5, except deadlift)

Squat 32.5kg

Overhead press 22.5kg

Deadlift 42kg (1×5)

ropes 6 ‘sets’ 20-30 seconds each

hip abductor 65kg (3×10)

hip adductor 75kg (3×10)

I felt like staying longer and doing a bit more extra stuff but I had to get to back to work. It’s nice to have the workout out of the way already though since I have a busy evening ahead.

One thing i forgot to mention: in the app for my workout, it will give you the recommended warm up sets for each move. until now, the weight i’ve been lifting hasn’t been heavy enough to require warm up sets. the last 2 workouts, I’ve finally reached enough weight on my squat that it requires warm sets. woo hoo!


Bad-ass bitch

I’m into ropes…

So based on my last entry, and my absence it would be easy to assume that i’ve given up. Quite the contrary. The self-pity party was pretty much over by the time I’d finished writing the post (yey hormonal mood swings!). If I’m going to call myself a bad-ass bitch, I need to start acting like one. Though, my feelings were valid; endometriosis is no walk in the park.  Anyway, I’ve been really busy and haven’t really had the time to write, hence the mini hiatus.

This week I finished the first week of stronglifts. So far I really like it for its simplicity and that it works the whole body in one workout. I have also felt this one more than what i was doing before. I like the app too so I can log my workout without having to bring a paper and pencil. It also has a nice timer on it to countdown the rest period between sets. It recommends an amount of weight to increase each time and I’ve been able to do that. I wasn’t able to start with the starting weight they suggested but close. Tomorrow I’ll do it again and I’m really looking forward to it 🙂  I finally feel like i’m on the right track.

I also discovered the battling ropes at the gym and I love them! I’d seen them mentioned in some article but I had thought that my gym didn’t have them. When I was there the other day, someone was using them so I was pleasantly surprised to see them there. Turns out I’m totally into ropes 😉  I love them! I do it for 30 seconds and wow my heart is pumping and arms burning. Ha and since typing this (I googled them to find out the exact name of the ropes) I found a youtube video of a workout just on the ropes! Can’t wait to try it.

Nutrition is still going pretty well. I’ve not been totally strict every day as I was travelling and it’s always so hard to eat well outside of this city, but I’ve done quite well so my ‘diet’  hasn’t suffered too much.

Anyway I feel more on track with the lifting and I’m excited to keep moving forward.

Day 1

Squat 15kg

Bench press 15kg

Barbell row 19.5kg

Day 2 

Squat 17.5kg

Overhead press 15kg

Deadlift 34.5kg

Ropes 2 ‘sets’ of 30 seconds each

Day 3

Squat 20kg

Bench press 17.5kg

Barbell row 27kg

Ropes 3 ‘sets’ of 30 seconds each

Tomorrow back to the gym! Feeling motivated and looking forward to it


Bad-ass Bitch




deflated and demotivated

It’s been a few days since I’ve written because I was away. I haven’t exercised since last week.

I had my period over the weekend. The change I was hoping for didn’t happen. I had thought that by adjusting my diet and exercising that my period pain would be reduced. That was not the case. And i’m still reeling from it. So many emotions. I really had expected results since that was one of the main reasons I’m doing this and also I feel like in the past i got relief from the pain this way. Maybe one month is too soon to feel a difference but it was upsetting to say the least.

Endometriosis sucks. It’s an understatement. I can’t begin to describe the physical, mental and emotional toll this disease takes on a woman. I’m smart enough to have perspective, and I’m sure that a woman with ovarian cancer would gladly trade places with me. But, we all know our own personal hell, and this is mine. Since age 13 i’ve been tortured with this disease. It went undiagnosed until the age of 25 and even then I was given ineffective surgery and treatments. I finally had a surgery that worked and helped me in 2009. For a few years I felt great. But, now I don’t feel great anymore. The pain is becoming unmanageable and disruptive again. There is no cure for endometriosis so it looks like it’s time for me to have another surgery. yey. I don’t want to write too much more about this because I already feel depressed about it and spent the day yesterday crying about it (the hormones just exacerbate that as well). Do you know what a mindfuck it is for the very thing that makes you a woman to make your life a living hell?

I’m feeling depressed and demotivated. It’ll pass i’m sure, but right now I feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing from the world and saying fuck it all. Yeah, yeah i can’t let it defeat me, blah blah. I’ve suffered with this disease for 25 years already. how many more years? and then the hell of menopause. great.

I’m also struggling with the fact that I’m not really seeing any results. It’s been more than a month and my body is the same as it was then. I’ve had faster results in the past by just doing exercise at home. what gives?

I was so exhausted from the weekend due to the lack of sleep and the fact that severe pain is just physically exhausting that I couldn’t manage any exercise yesterday. I’m not terribly motivated to do it today either, but i will. I guess if i’m going to need another surgery I need to be strong and fit to take that on.

Not feeling so badass today 😦


Bad-ass bitch


I think I’m going to change my training programme. I know, I know. I’m not that far into it, but I don’t feel like I’m getting a proper workout. What i mean by that is that this particular programme focuses on a different part of the body each workout. I’m a full body workout kind of girl. I think this type of progamme that focuses on one area each day is good for people who are already experienced with weight lifting and are in shape. I mean, it doesn’t take 7 days for muscles to recover which is basically what’s happening because, for example, on Monday i’m working arms and they don’t get worked again until the following Monday. So, I feel like the building of muscle is a little slow and in a way is setting me back. I’m going to look for a programme that focuses on the whole body so I get all my muscles used to weightlifting more evenly and perhaps later on can do a programme like the one I’m following now. I have seen several recommendations for Starting Strength so maybe I will give that a go. For today, I’ll stick to the one I’m already doing and maybe next week can switch to something new.

More on what I wrote about yesterday: yes I’m definitely more flabby. I’m less bloated than usual which is great because I have a tendency to bloat (this is in part due to the endometriosis, which affects bowels but also bloats my pelvic area, but also because of food–mainly refined sugar!) so i’m feeling less puffy. But, I’m more flabby. It’s really weird. There is definitely more fat on my face and around my stomach. I think I need to seriously re-examine my diet and nutrition. I am eating all healthy foods, hardly anything processed, but maybe I am consuming too many calories at this point. My goal right now is lose fat (and yes, get strong and fit). Most of these people who are already in great shape of course need to eat more because they are maintaining their bodies and what they have already achieved. I, on the other hand, need to get rid of fat. Especially this around my belly as I know this is the worst kind of fat to have. So, it doesn’t make sense that someone starting out with much more body fat than them should be eating so many calories. Right? Ugh! I wish i had the money to get a proper nutritionist to help me sort all of this out. But, I don’t so I need to figure it out on my own. There is so much conflicting info out there it’s nuts. I’m almost tempted to just go back to what I’ve done in the past because that worked for me. I ate 1200 calories a day (and I felt fine because I made good choices about what I ate) did a combo of cardio and weights (machines) and I lost fat/weight. Perhaps I should start there, though continue with the heavy weights, and then start to add more calories as I build more muscle and lose fat. I don’t know…lots of things to think about and to consider…

I’m feeling a bit discouraged and stressed out the past few days. Not just about this, about life in general. One of the things that’s a bit difficult is that I have so little free time. I basically work 2 jobs. I have a full time 9-5 job, then after work I’m teaching and not just in one place, i’m going here and there. Often, I don’t get home until about 20:00 or 21:00 and need to make dinner and prepare food for the next day. I have tried prepping food on Sunday for the week but it just doesn’t really work (I don’t have a microwave either). For some items, like a soup, then yes. But mostly I don’t want to eat food on friday that I made on sunday. Also, I don’t have a dishwasher and I feel like i’m constantly washing dishes with all of the cooking that I do every day. Work is really busy right now as I’ll be changing to a new position next month, and I will be away for the next 3 weekends (for work) so I’m a little worried about nutrition and exercise while I’m away. Once you leave this city, it’s even harder to find healthy food (in most restaurants the vegetarian option is fried cheese). Oh well, I will just need to adapt and try my best. I’m just bitching 🙂

Week 2, Day 2 complete!

Lateral pulldown: 35×8, 35×8, 35×8 (no increase)

Cable rows: 28×10, 28×12 (7kg increase)

Hyperextentions: 15, 15 (up 3 each set from last time)

Barbell curls: 12×15, 12×15, 12×15 (2.5kg increase. I wanted to try more weight for my last set but the next one up was 19kg so it was 7kg increase!)

Alternate dumbbell curls: 7×15, 8×12 (1kg and 2kg increase respectively)

Seated Calf raises: 5×12, 7.5×10 (2.5kg increase)

5 min cardio on bike (i will do some more cardio when I get home)

I had to go to the gym on my lunch hour, so it was a get in and get out kind of visit. But, I feel good and glad that I went to do it instead of waiting until tonight (I wouldn’t get there until 19:30) because at least it’s out of the way now.

I feel better with food today. Who knows what was going on yesterday but everything’s okay today.

After today’s workout, I feel more that I really should change the programme. My muscles feel good today, but even though i was able to increase some weight today it felt like I hadn’t worked these muscles in ages (i hadn’t really in about a week) so I want to do more of a total body workout so there isn’t such a long recovery time between workouts. If anyone reading has a good programme that they would recommend, please let me know. thanks!
Bad-ass bitch



I’ve noticed that my energy levels are improving. I struggle with fatigue. I think mainly because I don’t sleep well. I’m lucky if I get 5 hours and it’s always interrupted. I used to sleep like a rock but when they started me on hormone ‘therapy’ which put me into medical menopause I suddenly lost my ability to have deep and restful sleep. I’m no longer in menopause but my sleeping never returned to normal. I’ve tried every method and natural remedy in the book to get better sleep and nothing works. I do not want to go down the road of sleeping pills so it is what it is. Maybe this will improve. That’s yet to be seen.

But, I’ve got more energy throughout the day and in the morning I seem to come out of tired zombie mode faster. I’m not ready to bound out of bed and hit the gym just yet, but I’m feeling better in the mornings so that’s a step.

So, I’m not sure if this is due to the improvement in diet, or because I am eating at smaller intervals throughout the day (or a combination of both). Today I’m up out of bed and ready to go out and do something. Usually on Saturdays I’m so tired that I lay around in bed and sleep on and off. I know that’s not good, but i’m usually so exhausted by the end of the week that my body is grasping at whatever sleep I can get.

Generally I’m feeling quite well. The amount of refined sugar is almost nil. I’ve never had a problem cutting sugar and once I do cut it I don’t even crave sweets. Last weekend I had some friends over for dinner, so I bought us a bar of chocolate (Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt) but then we forgot to eat it! It’s been hanging around and I’ve treated myself to a sqaure here and there. I’ve found that one is enough whereas before I would just devour the whole bar in the course of a night. The fact that a bar of chocolate has been hanging around my apartment for a week is a good sign! Yesterday, I was in the supermarket and I passed the bakery (we have such good fresh bread and pastries here) but the smell of the sweet pastries actually turned me off. This is what usually happens. And if i were to eat something sugary I will feel terrible afterwards. So I just need to make sure I stick with it. My bowel habits have improved too (because of endometriosis on my bowel I have troubles here as well) and I’m feeling much better in that respect and not like my intestines are being assaulted. I’ve long suspected that refined sugar has exacerbated my problems here. (I need to record stuff like this because I have to keep track of my endo symptoms 🙂 )

Later I will do some cardio (HIIT) but will rest from the gym today.

So, I’m up, I’ll have breakfast and go out. It’s a nice, sunny day so I might take my nice camera out an get some photos of the trees in bloom. Spring, yey!

I hope your Spring is as lovely as ours 🙂


Bad-ass bitch

Day 3 (week 1) new gym bag yey!

The day after my last workout my calves weren’t sore at all which really surprised me. My other muscles weren’t necessarily sore, but felt like they’d been used; like i was really aware of having biceps. I certainly felt it today when I had to carry a 10kg bag of cat litter up the steep hill to my street then up the stairs to the 2nd (US 3rd) floor. Phew!

I’m ovulating now so that means I have a lot of discomfort in my lower back and it feels like someone’s poking my ovary every time i move (yey endometriosis!) but even though I kind of wanted to just lay around, I was active anyway.

I met with my trainer today, and originally i was going to ask her to help me with my programme but then decided to do her workout because she always shows me new things and it would be good to have new exercises in my repertoire! Coincidentally some of the things she had planned fit my programme anyway 🙂

After our workout I did the rest of my weight programme. Results below!


Day 3 (week 1) complete!
Legs, shoulders and abs

Cardio: 20 min spinning bike

leg  extension 20(kg)x12(reps), 20×12

hamstring curl 20×12, 20×12

Leg press 30×12, 30×15

Shoulder press (barbell) 12×10, 12×10, 12×12

side lateral raises 5×10, 5×10, 5×10

rear lateral raises 5×8, 5×8, 5×8

lying leg raises 12, 12, 12

Exta stuff:  15 pushups, 30 crunches, 30 mountain climbers, bodyweight hamstring curls (using that thing that looks like half an exercise ball on a disc. It kind of reminds me of half of a giant pogo ball, remember those? I realise i’m dating myself here…), cable rows 12×10, 12×10, 12×10, calf raises (i just had to have another go on it!) 5×10, 5×10, 5×10, dumbbell rows 5×10, 5×10, 5×10

I can’t wait to see those weight numbers go up 😀

I had a nice sit in the steam sauna after all of that 🙂  I’m going to do some major stretching tonight.


( I had some help with my notes today)

I’ve noticed that I’m having trouble hitting my macros, even though I’m eating quite a lot and very healthy and ‘clean’. I’m not hitting my calories either. I’m not sure how to remedy this. I’ll write about it next time.

I was extra excited to go to the gym today because I now have a real gym bag! I’ve never had one before. it was quite serendipitous how I came by it. In this city there are lots of expats who are moving away and have apartment sales, often selling off stuff quite cheaply to get rid of it quickly. There’s a facebook group for this and i happened to see a post where someone was selling a bunch of stuff including a gym bag. I wrote to them and it was available and super cheap so i claimed it. I went and got it and it’s the perfect size! It even says Reebok on it. Not that I care about brands at all but i feel like it makes me look more sporty or something haha 😉

Okay stretching time!! Can’t wait for the next workout


Bad-ass bitch



a slow start, but excited

So, my first session with the trainer was good but a bit uneventful. I expected this since it was our first session and she would need to assess my fitness level, etc.

We didn’t get into the bodybuilding, but did some stuff with weights and I definitely got a full body workout. At the time it didn’t seem difficult but I’m sore today. I outlined for her what I want to achieve, what my current eating habits are like, and on Friday (our next session) we’ll get all into it. We’ll measure my weight and body fat, talk about nutrition and talk more about the body building programme that I want to do.

I knew we wouldn’t just go straight into it so on the one hand I’m glad for the workout we had (my sore muscles vouch for that) as I learnt some new exercises that will be easy to do at home and will work the muscles in my upper back which is one of my tightest areas and one of the areas that I want most to develop. On the other hand, my impatient side is wanting to get started straight away.

But, it’s good to start off slowly especially since I’m a total novice to body building. And I also know that my transformation will not happen overnight. Wouldn’t that be lovely if it did? Or even in a week, a month?

Well, I would like to see a difference in a month. I don’t mean reach my goal because that would be humanly impossible. But, I want to see or at least feel a difference in my body. I think this is definitely possible. Even small changes motivate me;  changes that perhaps no one else would notice, but which I would.

I’ve been obsessively scouring the internet looking for peoples’ ‘before and after’ for inspiration. I try to look at them every day. I especially look for women with a body currently like mine. This helps to motivate me and to see that a total transformation is possible. I imagine myself like that and imagine people’s reactions. I have an active imagination and I think this will help me too. I am realistic enough to know that everyone’s body is not the same and people progress at different rates so what someone has accomplished in 12 weeks may take longer (or not). But, I do know that achieving the strong body I want is possible and imagining that I’m already there definitely helps.

So, yes, i want to feel differently in a month. Given my past experiences with fitness I know that I will. Also, in a month I will have a period again so I will be interested to see if my change in fitness activity and eating habits will make a difference with the endo. Well, actually I know it will I’m just curious as to how much of an impact it will have.

Maybe i’ll have the courage to post some progress photos. Maybe 😉 ….

Bad-ass bitch

terrible weekend, but first day of training!

Today is my first session with my trainer. I’m really looking forward to it. I just with I had more energy. I’m completely drained after the weekend. No, I didn’t spend it partying, I had my freaking period. Yey!

Periods are not fun for any woman, but for women with endometriosis they can be sheer hell. The period I experienced this weekend was horrendous. The pain was so bad that I barely slept the first night as it was so intense it kept waking me up. I considered going to the hospital because it hurt so badly, but I was in a foreign country and wasn’t sure how my insurance would work! So, I just powered through. The next day, the pain wasn’t much better and the lack of sleep meant I needed to stay in bed. So, I did just that but still barely slept because of the pain and it was noisy in the hotel with the cleaning. But, at least i got some rest. Later on, I went out and got some pills and did feel better but still kind of shitty and tired for the rest of the night. Despite that, I was able to enjoy the performance of La Boheme that we went to see.

Next day, pain was less but I was exhausted. Today, I still feel drained. The reason i’m talking about this here is that part of this bodybuilding quest is to alleviate symptoms of my endo. I’ve noticed in the past that my fitness level and diet affect the level of pain and discomfort that I feel during my period. I’m not surprised that this month was bad because I recently had the flu and I was too sick/weak to exercise. I haven’t done any proper exercise for about 3 weeks. My eating habits became unhealthy again and I consumed far too much sugar.

it’s been difficult for me to tell if it’s the consumption of sugar or exercise that affects my pain. I have a feeling it’s both. I do love sweets, but in general they make me feel ugh when I eat them even though I enjoy the taste. Afterwards I feel like crap. It’s not hard for me to give up sugar (i’m talking about refined sugar), and once I do I don’t even crave sweets or want them. But, all it takes is for me to ‘cheat’ a few times and then it’s like an avalanche and I just keep eating sweets.

So, part of this journey into my body transformation is to give myself some relief from the pain of endometriosis. I’m going to keep careful track of my symptoms to see if exercising and reducing sugar intake really does help it. I hope it will offer some advice to any other women out there suffering with this terrible disease.

I started off my day with a fritatta and some greek yogurt and honey. Today at my training session we’re going to talk about nutrition so I can make sure I’m getting the proper amounts of food for my training.  I’ve been doing a lot of research about body building and I know that I’ve been eating too few calories (even though i’ve been full and satisfied). I’m also a little bit confused and overwhelmed by the ‘macros’ (macronutrients: carbs, fat, protein) and the amounts that i need to achieve my goals (building muscle and losing fat). Hopefully she’ll help me make sense of it all!

Despite feeling sluggish and like a sloth today, I’m really looking forward to my session and I’m excited about this first day of my transformation!

After feeling physically destroyed this weekend, I’m determined more than ever to get healthy and strong. I can’t control that I have endometriosis, but I can control the overall health of my body. Strength and good health await me! I just need to go out there and get it 🙂



Bad-ass bitch

okay here we (I) go

So, I’ve been at varying levels of fitness in my life. In my teens, I was skinny and worked out so I could build leg muscles. In my late teens/early twenties, I had a steady diet of pizza, egg and cheese bagels, fast food, beer, booze and cigarettes. And since nothing was happening to my weight (as in, I didn’t gain any) I didn’t do anything about it.

When I was 25 I had surgery for endometriosis. Recovery consisted of pizza and ice cream. I gained some weight. After I’d recovered I did weight watchers, lost some weight and started swimming regularly and doing yoga. I was in good shape.

Then, my troubles began. I was started on ‘hormone’ therapy (hormone hell) and thus began a life of rapid weight gain, and yo yo dieting. My body has never been the same.

I’m now off of the hormone drugs that turned me into a raging, weeping, fat monster, and only take meds for my thyroid (hypothyroidism).

I have had several surgeries and things like that start to take their toll.

Three years ago, I’d reached another point where I couldn’t stand my weight any longer so I did something about it. I joined and really stuck to healthy eating and busted my arse with exercise. I lost about 10kg and i felt great. I liked the way i looked. My exercise consisted of a combination of weights and cardio.

My confidence got a boost and then I met a man. A really, hot, younger man who loved my body the way it was and would say things like ‘don’t lose weight’ and tell me I was perfect. He worshipped my body. I had never had that before (I won’t go into the issues us women face with body issues, that would take another entry), so it was great. Anyway, I fell in love with that guy and we had a very intense relationship. I started to gain weight because he loved me the way i was, or even if i was heavier, and i honestly didn’t have as much time (no, i didn’t make the time) for the gym because we were having sex all the time and just being together. I also let his unhealthy eating habits influence mine so there was more junk food than before.

So fast forward, we broke up, got back together again after 6 months and then broke up again a year later. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe what I felt. Even though he showed his true colours and turned out to be a bastard arsehole, i had still fallen in love with that bastard arsehole and it hurt like fucking hell. I gave almost 3 years of my life to that relationship and it really sucked the energy out of me.

So now here I am. I’m single, almost 40, upset with the state of my body and health and wanting to do something about it. I recently joined myfitnesspal again and got into it, lost a few kg and was starting to feel better then I saw a video of me and was horrified at how fat and unhealthy I looked! I also just had a bout of flu and descended into unhealthy eating again and was too weak to exercise so some flab that I lost is coming back.

I’ve loved lifting weights (machines, and recently some free weights at home) for years and I’ve always had an interest lurking in the background to get into serious body building. I don’t mean like competition body building, but for myself. I want to be strong!  I love that feeling when my muscles are getting stronger and I want to start lifting heavy weights.

Right now I feel so flabby and physically weak. Emotionally weak too. I want to finally be proud of my body, not just okay with it. I want to appear to myself, and the outside world, as a physically strong woman. This break up (and he) has left me feeling so weak. I think that if I can do this, make a new me, I can move on from this nonsense and leave the damaged person behind. Also,  I want to feel like I could kick someone’s arse if i wanted to (i wouldn’t do that, but just want to feel like i’d be strong enough). There are other reasons for that which i’ll get into another time.

The truth is, I have handled a lot of shit in my life and I give myself credit for having the strength to get through it, but for so long, and at so many times, I’ve felt weak, especially in my body. Dealing with chronic illness and surgeries and medication side effects has left me feeling sick and weak inside.  Yes, there have been times when I have been fit and stronger. But, why didn’t I stick to it? well, i don’t know. I’m a classic emotional eater, the hormones probably didn’t help, blah blah. whatever.

So, i’ve decided i’m going to take it up. I’m currently looking for a good body building programme and tomorrow I’m meeting with a personal trainer.

My goals are: get strong, fit, lose fat, strengthen joints, be healthy! I want to be fit and lean. I have suffered so much physically and as I near 40 i’m getting scared of being a sick and weak older woman (I don’t mean 40 is old but it’s closer to middle age!). I don’t want to be a weak and sick person anymore. I want to be one of those old ladies that impresses everyone with her physical fitness and strength. I’ve lost a lot of time in my ‘youth’  and need to have the energy and health to make up for things.

Many times I have seen physically strong and fit women and thought: I wish I was like her. well now, I will be her and be the one that others want to be. If there are any girls or women out there who will see me and think ‘i want to be like that’  I want them to know that they can. I am determined to show myself and others that you can become your ideal.

Also I’ve noticed that when I eat well and exercise a lot the pain from my endometriosis is reduced, so if that’s not motivation, I don’t know what the hell is! 🙂  There is no cure for endometriosis, and it’s  a progressive disease. I will need another surgery soon-ish and will always have to be dealing with this disease that sucks my mental, emotional and physical energy. I want to fight against that. I want to take control of my body (because I can’t control the endo) and be strong to deal with whatever this body I’m living in throws at me.

I’ve decided to start this blog as a record of my ‘journey’. I don’t know if anyone will read it; maybe it’ll just be floating about in the ether and never get noticed by anyone, but I wanted to document my ‘transformation’  here. And if  I get readers, it’ll be a bonus to help motivate me to keep going.

So, here’s to a new me and anyone else out there changing their lives!


Bad-ass Bitch