I’m baaack…starting over

*stumbles in, waving dust and cobwebs out of the way*

Dear World,
So it’s been ages since I’ve written because it’s also been ages since I’ve done anything. In my last entry I spoke about a hip problem. It finally improved and then I got hit with the flu. I’m talking about the real flu, influenza, plague…I seem to be prone to the flu because I had it last year and the year before! When I get it, it hits my joints without mercy. And, it takes me forever to get over it. It took more than a month until I felt normal again.

Then I was lazy. Then my mum visited so I really had no time to go to the gym and my eating suffered, in that I ate a lot of junk food.

These are not excuses, they’re reasons. This ‘no excuses’ thing kind of bothers me. I mean, i get the sentiment behind it, but sometimes you really do have excuses (reasons). The flu was a really good excuse not to go to the gym. Spending time with my mum, whom i haven’t seen in 2 years and won’t see for another 2 years, is a good excuse not to go to the gym. The rest of it is on me. My self-motivation suffered and there was an element of laziness in there too. Also, there is no excuse for all the junk food I ate, i just wanted to do that. So yes, sometimes tehre are good excuses, but you should have some accountability too.

This Monday (it’s now Thursday), I cut the junk and started eating healthy foods again. I haven’t been back to the gym yet, but I’ve done some exercise at home. I’ve done my trusty 8 min tae bo video once or twice a day (i love this video. it’s an old favourite. it’s not some crazy intense workout, but it’s enough to get my heart going and bring up my energy. Also it does help tone the muscles a bit), and last night  I did this video:

 

I had wanted to go to the gym for a spinning class and to lift a bit, but in the end I couldn’t (yes for valid reasons!), so I decided to the video above. I love battling ropes, but don’t have any at home and this was a good substiute. You don’t get quite the same resistance as you do with the heavy ropes, but man this workout actually kicked my ass. I’ll definitely do it again when i’m jonesin for some ropes action. And I think it’s creative, showing that you really can get fit if you don’t have a gym membership. I like this guy’s attitude as well. I don’t know about the claim of losing 20 pounds in 30 days (though that could be legit if you’re doing this several times a week and eating well, who knows?) but I really enjoyed the workout and ended up doing about 100 jumping jacks!

As I mentioned, I won’t see my mum again for 2 years. So, I have given myself two years to completely transform. By the time I see her again, I want to have a totally different body. Of course it would be nice if it happened in less than 2 years, but I know that these things take time especially when you’re talking about total transformation. I think 2 years is a reasonable goal and if i meet my goal before that then all the better!

When I started this blog I had decided not to talk too much about my personal life, and focus only on my fitness journey. But, things in our personal life do affect our physical and mental well-being, of course, so I need to talk a little bit about it.

I don’t want to talk too in-depth, but at the end of 2015 I went through a break up. It was terribly difficult for me and my heart was utterly broken. I was madly in love with this guy (thought he was with me too), and in the end he betrayed me and broke my heart. Since then I’ve been struggling to move in. For the first time in my life I needed to see a therapist to help me deal with it. She did help a little, but in the end was too expensive and I couldn’t continue.

When i started this body transformation journey, I was motivated in theory, but emotionally I was still battling getting over this break up. Whether it affected my motivation or not, I can’t really say. But having this ‘break’ from working out for the past 2 months, has maybe let me heal a bit. Though, again i don’t know if they’re related, but whatever.

The thing is I’ve been saying for a while now that I really want to move on but can’t seem to. I’ve still been crying, especially when I have my period, and mourning the loss of this relationship even though he was a bastard.

I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on things, trying to change. I’ve been in a funk way too long. i’ve started on my health quest again and i’m more determined than ever. and i’m trying to switch in my brain how i think and feel about the break up. Instead of thinking/saying we broke up and it was terriblle and difficult, i need to be saying we broke up and that was a good thing. good riddance to him.

I need to stop feeling victimised and really acknowledge that at the end of the day he was not a good person, and didn’t respect me at all and i didn’t respect myeslf by putting up with the bullshit

i’m still fucking hurt but i need to get over it. i’m tired of being upset and want to change this frame of thinking about it. yes we broke up, it sucked, i had my heart ripped out, but he was a dick and i deserve better. we weren’t right for each other in the end

This is stuff i’ve known intellectually for a while, but it’s been hell trying to get my heart to catch up with that. I’m trying my best now. I really don’t want to be sad anymore and for a while there may still be some hard days, but i’m done. i need to get myself out of the dark. I feel like i used to have such a light inside me and it’s gone dim but this is only because I’ve let it; he’s responsible for that only to an extent;  the rest is on me. I’ve gotten through the worst bit and now i have a choice as to how i handle it. I can keep feeling sorry for myself or move the fuck on.I look back on our relationship and I think ‘what the hell was I thinking? Why did I ever tolerate that shit??”

Anyway, time to move on. Stop being the victim and become the bad-ass bitch I want to be. Bad-ass bitches do not suffer fools, damn it! So onward and upward!

 

Love,
Bad-ass Bitch.

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