deflated and demotivated

It’s been a few days since I’ve written because I was away. I haven’t exercised since last week.

I had my period over the weekend. The change I was hoping for didn’t happen. I had thought that by adjusting my diet and exercising that my period pain would be reduced. That was not the case. And i’m still reeling from it. So many emotions. I really had expected results since that was one of the main reasons I’m doing this and also I feel like in the past i got relief from the pain this way. Maybe one month is too soon to feel a difference but it was upsetting to say the least.

Endometriosis sucks. It’s an understatement. I can’t begin to describe the physical, mental and emotional toll this disease takes on a woman. I’m smart enough to have perspective, and I’m sure that a woman with ovarian cancer would gladly trade places with me. But, we all know our own personal hell, and this is mine. Since age 13 i’ve been tortured with this disease. It went undiagnosed until the age of 25 and even then I was given ineffective surgery and treatments. I finally had a surgery that worked and helped me in 2009. For a few years I felt great. But, now I don’t feel great anymore. The pain is becoming unmanageable and disruptive again. There is no cure for endometriosis so it looks like it’s time for me to have another surgery. yey. I don’t want to write too much more about this because I already feel depressed about it and spent the day yesterday crying about it (the hormones just exacerbate that as well). Do you know what a mindfuck it is for the very thing that makes you a woman to make your life a living hell?

I’m feeling depressed and demotivated. It’ll pass i’m sure, but right now I feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing from the world and saying fuck it all. Yeah, yeah i can’t let it defeat me, blah blah. I’ve suffered with this disease for 25 years already. how many more years? and then the hell of menopause. great.

I’m also struggling with the fact that I’m not really seeing any results. It’s been more than a month and my body is the same as it was then. I’ve had faster results in the past by just doing exercise at home. what gives?

I was so exhausted from the weekend due to the lack of sleep and the fact that severe pain is just physically exhausting that I couldn’t manage any exercise yesterday. I’m not terribly motivated to do it today either, but i will. I guess if i’m going to need another surgery I need to be strong and fit to take that on.

Not feeling so badass today 😦

 

Love,
Bad-ass bitch

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4 thoughts on “deflated and demotivated

  1. Hang in there, woman. Keep on doing what you’re doing : exercise when you can, eat well. I’m in the same boat. Not seeing the results as quickly as I used to, halting exercising due to pain, getting back to it as I can. You know as well as I do : the results will arrive. We just need to be patient, and diligent ❤

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