on being ‘hot’

ashleyhorner

(my inspiration. Love her back muscles and shoulders!!)

I have been cute and attractive and even called hot and sexy, but I know that I don’t fit society’s definition of ‘hot’. And why should I? why conform? Well, I’m not conforming, I’m not giving in.  My main goal is to be strong and healthy. My current state is not healthy. Fat rolls on my back is not healthy. A wobbly arse may be sexy to some, but it’s not healthy. And yes, I want to be hot and there’s nothing wrong with that.  We live in a society that puts so much value on what we look like. Especially women. I know that men get this too, but we get it more and it’s more widespread. I will always be judged first for how I look. But, in the end it’s going to be my definition of ‘hot’. And when people judge me for how i look, when they see me I want to them judge me as a strong, healthy, bad-ass woman.

I’ve been on dating websites recently. I made profiles and put up some nice photos. I never realised that all of the photos were just head and shoulders, and didn’t show my body until guys who i talked to made it an issue, asking for photos that show my whole body.  Asking me what i’m hiding. As if my face isn’t enough and our conversation can’t be interesting or can’t continue because they don’t know what my body looks like. One guy asked me and i said half-jokingly, why so you can decide if i’m hot enough to continue talking to? He said no, that he was just curious and wanted to know who he was ‘dealing with’ and he said it as if that was an okay thing to say! Needless to say, conversation ended.

Anyway, yes so many arguments and points can be made here. I shouldn’t care what guys think, and they should like me for who i am. Yes, absolutely right. I agree whole-heartedly. But, the point is, I don’t like who I am. I don’t like that i’m somewhere between healthy and unhealthy; fit and unfit. I want to be fit and healthy. This is who i strive to be. And yes, that will mean in my eyes I will look good.  I don’t want to give the impression that my worth exists because of  the validation from a man. Not at all. But, the fact remains that society will continue to judge me on my appearance and this current ideal of what is ‘hot’. It’s been going on for centuries; this is nothing new. there have always been ideal male and female forms that we are supposed to aspire to.

Hotness is subjective anyway, and if anything, by going on this journey I’m empowering myself and feel like i’m existing on my terms. In fact, being fit and strong already goes against societal ‘norms’ (women are supposed to be delicate and ‘feminine’) so there are people out there who don’t find women with muscles attractive. But, I do and I want to be in that category because i want to project strength, endurance and health. And yes, that’s hot.

As long as I stay true to myself as a person and not put my self-worth on how I look then I think i’ll be okay.

Love,

Bad-ass bitch

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