okay here we (I) go

So, I’ve been at varying levels of fitness in my life. In my teens, I was skinny and worked out so I could build leg muscles. In my late teens/early twenties, I had a steady diet of pizza, egg and cheese bagels, fast food, beer, booze and cigarettes. And since nothing was happening to my weight (as in, I didn’t gain any) I didn’t do anything about it.

When I was 25 I had surgery for endometriosis. Recovery consisted of pizza and ice cream. I gained some weight. After I’d recovered I did weight watchers, lost some weight and started swimming regularly and doing yoga. I was in good shape.

Then, my troubles began. I was started on ‘hormone’ therapy (hormone hell) and thus began a life of rapid weight gain, and yo yo dieting. My body has never been the same.

I’m now off of the hormone drugs that turned me into a raging, weeping, fat monster, and only take meds for my thyroid (hypothyroidism).

I have had several surgeries and things like that start to take their toll.

Three years ago, I’d reached another point where I couldn’t stand my weight any longer so I did something about it. I joined myfitnesspal.com and really stuck to healthy eating and busted my arse with exercise. I lost about 10kg and i felt great. I liked the way i looked. My exercise consisted of a combination of weights and cardio.

My confidence got a boost and then I met a man. A really, hot, younger man who loved my body the way it was and would say things like ‘don’t lose weight’ and tell me I was perfect. He worshipped my body. I had never had that before (I won’t go into the issues us women face with body issues, that would take another entry), so it was great. Anyway, I fell in love with that guy and we had a very intense relationship. I started to gain weight because he loved me the way i was, or even if i was heavier, and i honestly didn’t have as much time (no, i didn’t make the time) for the gym because we were having sex all the time and just being together. I also let his unhealthy eating habits influence mine so there was more junk food than before.

So fast forward, we broke up, got back together again after 6 months and then broke up again a year later. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe what I felt. Even though he showed his true colours and turned out to be a bastard arsehole, i had still fallen in love with that bastard arsehole and it hurt like fucking hell. I gave almost 3 years of my life to that relationship and it really sucked the energy out of me.

So now here I am. I’m single, almost 40, upset with the state of my body and health and wanting to do something about it. I recently joined myfitnesspal again and got into it, lost a few kg and was starting to feel better then I saw a video of me and was horrified at how fat and unhealthy I looked! I also just had a bout of flu and descended into unhealthy eating again and was too weak to exercise so some flab that I lost is coming back.

I’ve loved lifting weights (machines, and recently some free weights at home) for years and I’ve always had an interest lurking in the background to get into serious body building. I don’t mean like competition body building, but for myself. I want to be strong!  I love that feeling when my muscles are getting stronger and I want to start lifting heavy weights.

Right now I feel so flabby and physically weak. Emotionally weak too. I want to finally be proud of my body, not just okay with it. I want to appear to myself, and the outside world, as a physically strong woman. This break up (and he) has left me feeling so weak. I think that if I can do this, make a new me, I can move on from this nonsense and leave the damaged person behind. Also,  I want to feel like I could kick someone’s arse if i wanted to (i wouldn’t do that, but just want to feel like i’d be strong enough). There are other reasons for that which i’ll get into another time.

The truth is, I have handled a lot of shit in my life and I give myself credit for having the strength to get through it, but for so long, and at so many times, I’ve felt weak, especially in my body. Dealing with chronic illness and surgeries and medication side effects has left me feeling sick and weak inside.  Yes, there have been times when I have been fit and stronger. But, why didn’t I stick to it? well, i don’t know. I’m a classic emotional eater, the hormones probably didn’t help, blah blah. whatever.

So, i’ve decided i’m going to take it up. I’m currently looking for a good body building programme and tomorrow I’m meeting with a personal trainer.

My goals are: get strong, fit, lose fat, strengthen joints, be healthy! I want to be fit and lean. I have suffered so much physically and as I near 40 i’m getting scared of being a sick and weak older woman (I don’t mean 40 is old but it’s closer to middle age!). I don’t want to be a weak and sick person anymore. I want to be one of those old ladies that impresses everyone with her physical fitness and strength. I’ve lost a lot of time in my ‘youth’  and need to have the energy and health to make up for things.

Many times I have seen physically strong and fit women and thought: I wish I was like her. well now, I will be her and be the one that others want to be. If there are any girls or women out there who will see me and think ‘i want to be like that’  I want them to know that they can. I am determined to show myself and others that you can become your ideal.

Also I’ve noticed that when I eat well and exercise a lot the pain from my endometriosis is reduced, so if that’s not motivation, I don’t know what the hell is! 🙂  There is no cure for endometriosis, and it’s  a progressive disease. I will need another surgery soon-ish and will always have to be dealing with this disease that sucks my mental, emotional and physical energy. I want to fight against that. I want to take control of my body (because I can’t control the endo) and be strong to deal with whatever this body I’m living in throws at me.

I’ve decided to start this blog as a record of my ‘journey’. I don’t know if anyone will read it; maybe it’ll just be floating about in the ether and never get noticed by anyone, but I wanted to document my ‘transformation’  here. And if  I get readers, it’ll be a bonus to help motivate me to keep going.

So, here’s to a new me and anyone else out there changing their lives!


Bad-ass Bitch


4 thoughts on “okay here we (I) go

  1. oh man! I’m stalking you NOW! A month ago I realized none of my pants fit me anymore…I’ve ballooned up to 162 pounds, the most I’ve ever weight (my usual is 145). So 2 weeks ago I joined a gym and am trying to stick to a simple routine. We can do this together<3

    Liked by 1 person

  2. his is awesome! I’m so excited to follow your progress and thoughts on getting fit and lifting weights. As you know, we have a lot in common with our health (hormones, surgeries, being the same age…) so I’m very excited to hear how things are going, share tips, and to be supportive!


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